Anatomy of a Goal – Zidane vs Leverkusen

I loved Zinedine Zidane. I have no qualms saying that. I loved the inventiveness, the intelligence, the nonchalance, even the spikiness. Here was a man that could do it all on the football pitch. The good, bad and ugly. And the thing that was always apparent above all else was the grace with which he did it. Arsene Wenger has said before that some players turn football into art, and never has this been more applicable to any player.

Now, this is not me saying Zidane is the best player ever. Never has football seen a player as brutally efficient as Cristiano Ronaldo. Ronaldinho’s highest point could well be higher than anybody’s ever. Lionel Messi is…well, Lionel Messi. But nobody has ever made it look so good.

Which leads me on to the subject of today.  You see, in the grand scheme of things, some goals stand out a little bit more than others. And while Zidane has had a catalogue of stand out goals, like this against Valladolid, or this against Tokyo Verdy or this against Deportivo (I could really go on and on), there’s one goal in the catalogue that peers above all the others.

 

It’s the most beautiful combination of technique, brutal power, unimaginable skill and grandiose occasion. Never mind that it’s on his weak foot, never mind that the ball is seemingly descending from the heavens, it’s the bloody Champions League final! This is the only time the phrase “he has no right to hit that” is passable at all.

However, hit that he did. And here is how. The anatomy of Zinedine Zidane vs Bayer Leverkusen.

Make Football Great Again

“Aren’t you sick of that by now?… Even if you hate me, you’ve got to admit that I’m at least saying something different.” – I’ve Heard, Hot Karl

Call it off everybody, let’s pack up and go home. The season is done! Haven’t you heard? Man Utd have won the league already. I mean sure, they’ve played 2 games against Bournemouth and Southampton (and admittedly won well), but that’s much of a muchness. They won the league in the boardroom dummies! £30 million on Bailly, another 20 odd on Mkhi…that bloke from Dortmund (his name needs more vowels, it’s ridiculous), and the coup de grace, bringing back Paul Pogba. £90 million! If the Premier League was a Mortal Kombat battle, Mourinho unleashed a crushing fatality on all of the opposition with that signing. Hand them over the league title immediately!

Except, no. You may have to whisper this part, but…

Anatomy of a Goal – Bergkamp vs Leverkusen

In this new series, I’m going to take a look at a few of my favourite goals, and try to break down what is happening, why it’s happening and how it’s happening. There are many, many small decisions and moments that make up any goal, and you generally need a lot of things to fall into place to score a goal. The thing that makes the great goals truly great is that they are a series of optimal decisions, executed to perfection. This may sound cold and calculated, like completing an equation in maths class. And the truth is that they are. They are cold, calculated decisions that give 100% chance of success. That’s what makes the players who execute these goals geniuses.

That being said, I see no better place to start than with an Arsenal legend, who’s very nickname suggests ruthlessness and a killer instinct that belies the genius that he undoubtedly is. Ladies and (most probably exclusively) gentlemen, I give you Dennis Bergkamp vs Bayer Leverksuen.

“Sometimes the lies get millions of views…”

Look. I don’t particularly like blowing my own trumpet. It doesn’t give me great pride to be self-congratulatory and say to myself “well done David. You were proven right yet again. You truly are a genius and people need to know this. You’re the hero Gotham needs, but not the one it deserves right now.”

But you know, I was proven right again.

“Well They’ll Say What They Say…But It Doesn’t Mean a Goddamn Thing”

Well I’ve been coaxed out of my shell, and I promise that this page will again get the attention that I haven’t given to it for a long while. Truth is, between work, life and general laziness I haven’t made the time to update this. There’s a lot of internet out there and I’m easily distracted.

Among the things that I’ve been distracted by is comedy albums, and in particular Hannibal Buress’ (Animal Furnace, it’s great, listen to it, it’s on Spotify). It has one filler line in a joke about eating penguins, and it adds nothing to the joke, but it resonates with me.

“People never have anything.”

And yes, it is tenuously linked to football, but it speaks to my view about the world of football right now. Bear with me.

First Matchday Quick Hits

• First things first, this World Cup has been all out fun.
• Croatia were hard done by. We all know this. It wasn’t a penalty, and they gave it a right go. But what kind of idiocy is it that some people actually believe that it was fixed?! The internet has birthed some real idiots, and now they have voices. Urgh. It wasn’t a penalty, but on first real time viewing, I instinctively said it was. I made a mistake, as did the referee. Nothing more, nothing less. Also, Croatia’s disallowed goal was a foul on the keeper. Like it or not, you basically can’t touch the goalie now. Thems be the breaks. Unlucky Croatia.
• Spain, Spain, Spain *ruefully shaking my head*. And it was all going so well. They took a 1-0 lead, and David Silva should have made it 2. If that goes in, Spain likely waltz that game. As it turned out, van Persie scored a preposterously good goal from the very next attack, and then Holland blew the world champions away in the second half. It was astoundingly good, and it was absolutely breath taking.
• On the other hand, it is just the first game. Let’s not throw the baby out with the bath water. If Spain beat Chile, it’s back to business for them.
• Australia were surprisingly competitive, and probably could have got a point against Chile.
• Joel Campbell is the future of football.
• England were brave, and not in the typical ‘let’s call kicking them brave’ manner. They were bold, attacking and progressive largely. Sterling was a delight to watch, the goal was brilliant and there were really promising combinations. But then Pirlo Pirlo’d. It’s stunning to watch a man saunter round the pitch but play with such intelligence that he doesn’t need to move beyond a brisk jogging pace.
• The 2am game was a bridge too far for me. I’ll take it as a given that my pick Aurier bossed the game.
• How good has this World Cup been by the way?
• France, bloody hell. That was pretty damn good. Just a really smart, organised team performance, finished off with a fine finishing performance from Karim Benzema. Valbuena is a marvel, he has no right to even play the game being 4 foot nothing. On the other hand, Honduras were idiotic. Some of those tackles bordered on assault, and Palacios could have been sent off a few times.
• Switzerland scored a wonderful winner, the tackle from Behrami, then the roll through when he was taken out, followed up by a smart run, ball and finish from Seferovic was brilliant. This World Cup has been brilliant fun.
• It’s time for me to make a confession. Back in 2007, Real Madrid made a double swoop and signed Gonzalo Higuain and Fernando Gago. I was convinced Gago was going to rule the midfield world for years to come. I don’t even know why, I just backed him. And then Real Madrid won the league and he got a few important assists in the run in. Unfortunately, his career didn’t quite take off like I thought it would, but I have always had a special place in my heart for him. So it is with great pride that I say my boy Fernando Ruben Gago changed the game when he came on at half time against Bosnia. Suddenly Argentina had someone to play through, and Messi was closer to Aguero and Higuain, which allowed him to do what Messi always does. Gago, you’re not as good as I want you to be, but I love you nonetheless.
• Germany were frightening. I hate to use national stereotypes, but they were ruthless and efficient. After they took the early lead, they never looked back, and Pepe (what a monumental prick, by the way) basically handed them the cigars and slippers. Muller might be a decent shout for top scorer if you ignore my nailed on Aguero prediction.
• Iran vs Nigeria happened.
• Jones celebration is what the World Cup is about. He looked absolutely overwhelmed by what he just did for his nation, and it was beautiful to watch. Ghana didn’t help themselves with their incessantly awful crossing, but USA ploughed and ploughed and snatched a win. Deserved if only for the brutal karate kick to the face that Dempsey took.
• Belgium were a bit guff, weren’t they?
• Russia vs Korea is on right now, but I’m about to pass out so I’m gonna say that I miss Arshavin’s scampish nature.
• Bar possibly two games, this World Cup has been brilliant. I love football.

World Cup Preview

So, its World Cup eve, and its about time that I slapped my cards down on the table with the force of an old Jamaican man playing dominos. If you remember back to two years ago, I did the same for Euro 2012 and had a quite simply stunning 1 out of 5 success rate (Jordi Alba to shine, which he did and became everybody’s favourite left back and signed for Barcelona). However, this year I have a good feeling about myself and a weird ‘I have no real clue, this tournament has lots of good but no real outstanding teams’ feeling about my predictions.

So without further ado, let’s do a World Cup preview!

I’m Afraid I’ve Got Some Bad News Barkley…

There’s been a lot of talk about Ross Barkley this year, and in the wake of our 2-2 draw with Ecuador on Wednesday, Barkley did his cause no harm at all with a man of the match display, capped with an assist for Rickie Lambert. However, most of the debate has come from Roy Hodgson’s press conference where he said that Barkley “has to make better decisions.”

And I agree with him.

“Ain’t it Fun? Living in the Real World…”

After 9 agonising years of constant reminders, you didn’t really think it was going to be easy, did you? They made all Arsenal fans struggle and squirm, and there’s probably a fair few like me who will have to live like saints to make good on conversations we had with God midway through the game, but at last they’ve done it. Arsenal, and Arsene Wenger finally have a trophy to add to the collection.

Yet still, there seem to be criticisms. “Your season was still bad, you just beat Hull, it’s just the FA Cup.”

OK, you go and win the FA Cup then.

Do We Have Everybody’s Attention Now?

 

*This was written and posted on givemefootball.com pre-Dortmund, but I suppose it’s even more pertinent now*

**Let’s pretend I haven’t been missing from here for ages, ok?**

 

The look of disgust was clear. The contempt was palpable. The derision in his voice was as loud as his words. Matter of fact, it was one word. “No”. Alan Hansen on Match of the Day dismissed Arsenal’s title hopes without so much as a second thought. Call me petty, call me trivial, call me any number of things, but I am an unashamed Arsenal fan. And when somebody in a position that he’s in and with the knowledge that he has outright dismisses my team as nothing more than a flash in the pan, I, like many other unashamed Arsenal fans, take issue with this. It rankles with us, and it gets under our skin.